One thing that marriage surely brings out is the fact that the person who is supposed to love you the most sometimes is the one who hurts you the most. It seems that the more we love someone, the more they have power to hurt us. I guess that is just the risk we take.
WHEN WE HURT, WE HIDE
Whenever our hearts are broken and we are hurt by angry words, or careless actions, we tend to hide and withdraw our hearts from the other person. And once we get into this position, it becomes increasingly harder to fight off bitterness, resentment, and anger towards the person.
We are more susceptible to things like:
- harboring bitter thoughts
- gossiping/venting about the person/situation
- holding onto anger in our hearts and minds
- giving off angry “vibes” by our facial expressions/tone of voice
- camping out in thoughts about how we should be treated better
- wishing we never married/got involved with the person
- prideful thoughts about how we would NEVER do that to them!
- hiding our true feelings towards them and bottling it up and then one day exploding on them
- adopting self-protective ways to keep our hearts from being hurt again (not sharing our feelings/thoughts with them, not involving them in your life or decisions anymore, not going out of your way for them anymore)
Withdrawing our hearts from our husbands when we feel hurt usually will only lead us to the place where we feel justified for our own bitterness/resentment.
I know I have felt justified in how I acted, thought, and the things I said when I was feeling hurt. My excuse was HIS actions/words.
Are we really justified?
The Lord has faithfully been showing me that the CROSS hits every single part of our lives when we are surrendered to Him as Lord over ALL!
Anger, bitterness, resentment, hostility, hiding—these all belong to the OLD MAN!
We all know so well what it feels like when we feel hurt, and how that anger just rises up in our hearts out of no where it seems—-it seems almost uncontrollable at times.
And the only way I have found to lose this anger, bitterness, resentment, hostility, and hiding my heart—-is by applying the principle of the CROSS! The Lord reminds me that if He is Lord over my whole life—-then “I” no longer have place to chime in with my anger and excuses for sin! Instead of heading down the self direction, He has been showing me a better way to deal with this hurt.
A BETTER WAY
When I am feeling hurt by something my husband has said/done, there is a way to go about handling it that glorifies God!
- I don’t pretend it didn’t happen and that I am not allowed to have feelings
- I don’t act like it was ok to treat me unkindly
- I don’t dismiss it by forgiving and never talking about it at all
- I don’t act happy when I feel hurt
- I don’t withdraw my heart from him
Now, instead of doing all of the above,
- I tell him up front, right then and there, usually, that what he has just said/done was hurtful to me
- I tell him the truth about what he did and how it effected me
- I forgive him, but I also talk about it so that he understands why it hurt me
- If I am sad, upset, hurt, I am now choosing to stay in that feeling until it is truly dealt with
- I allow my heart to remain vulnerable to my husband by speaking truthfully about what happened (ex- What you said really hurt my feelings—instead of not saying how I feel)
THE DIFFERENT OUTCOMES
When I take the road of self, the outcome usually looks like this:
- I become very bitter/resentful
- I allow ungodly thoughts to hang out all the time and lead to more built up anger
- I wallow in self-pity and self-importance and what is my right as how I am supposed to be treated
- I have an attitude in voice and facial expressions towards him
- I stop talking to him altogether and don’t share anything with him about my daily life or my feelings about anything
- I start feeling divided and like I need to live an independent life in order to keep my heart from being hurt
- I start unnecessary conflict because I am constantly living in the negative thoughts about my husband
When I take the way that the Lord has shown me, the outcome looks like this:
- my feelings are heard and shared, and usually accepted
- I receive a sincere apology
- I am comforted (sometimes) with a hug
- we stay united
- we are closer because we are being open and honest about things from the heart
- we grow in Christ-likeness when we deal with it maturely
- our intimacy remains in tact
- compassion and love flood our hearts for each other
“So I’m telling you that her sins, as many as they are, have been forgiven, and that’s why she has shown such great love. But the one to whom little is forgiven loves little.”