Dealing with A Husband who won’t comfort you in sadness

Dealing with A Husband who won’t comfort you in sadness

comfort

If your husband is not the type to “ta-ta” you when you are sad or crying, then this is a post for you!

Why Are You Sad?

What I’ve learned to do in this situation is first realize why I am sad to begin with.

  • Did something happen with my child that I am upset about?
  • Do I feel hurt by something my husband said to me?
  • Am I feeling lonely in life?
  • Am I feeling sad about a situation with family/friends?
  • Am I just hormonal?
  • Am I overwhelmed with working, raising kids, keeping house?
  • Am I upset that I just didn’t get my own way about something?
  • Am I mourning over someone/thing that I have lost?

I know for me, when I am hormonal, ANYTHING can make me sad. Literally, I’ll be sad for no reason sometimes. Or I’ll think too much about something that normally I don’t think about, and then I’m sad.

But when it is in connection to our husbands—-perhaps they have said something critical, or have forgotten something we asked them to do, or maybe we just feel distant/unloved by them for whatever reason, what would be the godly thing to do in this type of situation?

Run to the Lord FIRST!

Here’s the thing friends, if your husband is just not in tune, and is just not there for you when times are tough —- perhaps the Lord is wanting to deprive you of any comfort from other people other than HIMSELF!

He is the GOD OF ALL COMFORT!

No husband is the God of all comfort, only God Himself is. And it is God’s desire that when we are facing anything, that we turn to Him alone for help, not mere mortal man. Mortal men are on the same level as us, they are but dust. What can man do to support someone else when they can’t even support themselves?!

Think about it —– the Lord desires for us to be totally dependent on HIM — not other PEOPLE. No other person can do anything, they are dust. They depend on God for the very breath in their lungs, just as you do. Therefore, it is foolish to turn to another mortal being for any type of relief or comfort when the One we are claiming as our LIFE AND LORD is the ONLY GOD of Comfort!!

Chances are my friend, you are just wanting your husband’s pity and attention when you are not getting what you want. You want him to notice you are upset and make you feel better.

You are expecting him to make you happy, and if you belong to the Lord Jesus Christ — that will never happen.

It is a vain attempt at best!

The only relief that will be found is in letting go of your OWN RIGHTS and your own interests in this situation, and turning to the Lord to receive the grace and strength that is needed to take your eyes off yourself in the moment, to turn them back onto the Lord Jesus who is our example, the One who gave up ALL, that He might bring us back to our Father in Heaven!

If your husband is not there for you when you are upset —– it is because the Lord is thwarting you from receiving that comfort from anyone but HIM!!!

If you are upset, and you feel the anger and bitterness rising up in you towards your husband for not being there for you —- then realize you are focusing on YOURSELF and what you want, and not on the Lord.

You are expecting something from mere man that only GOD CAN GIVE YOU!

 

 

He Notices When I don’t Seek Him To

In the past, if I just took my sadness about something straight to my husband and basically blamed it on him, or expected him to make me happy and fix whatever it was, then what I got was a man who doesn’t feel like he can make me happy, so he shut down and basically didn’t care about my feelings anymore.

But once the Lord showed me a better way, which is to bring it to Him first, I find that I am able to avoid an unnecessary conflict with my husband, and usually will be able to talk to my husband about it if he asks me why I seem upset.

I’ve had my husband apologize out of no where to me for the way he has treated me wrongly more times when I didn’t mention anything and kept focused on the Lord, and by God’s grace did not allow bitterness or resentment to build up, than when I expected my husband to apologize or notice I am upset or sad in life about whatever.

Understanding Your Husband 

  • Nothing is more attractive to a man than a happy wife. That is plain and simple, and it is TRUE!
  • Men do not connect with emotional talks about how they feel, etc.
  • Men are not responsible for our happiness, and they are unable to fulfill our deepest needs of the heart. Only the Lord Jesus can truly fill us up with His Joy by the Holy Spirit dwelling in us!
  • If we are constantly upset, crying, and negative because of hormonal issues, our husbands will likely become weary and shut down to us unless they are spiritually mature enough to approach this in  a godly way.
  • If we always want to talk about how we feel, but never give them the opportunity to express their own feelings, they will likely stop telling you how they feel, and will not care to hear about how you feel in any situation.
  • If when you are crying/upset/sharing feelings, your husband says things like “Bay, I’m a guy”—what he is saying is that he doesn’t understand what you are so upset about.
  • Men like to fix things, so when we are upset, and we just want to talk about how we feel, they want to fix it and make us happy, and they don’t quite get that we just want to share our feelings and be comforted or “ta-ta’d”!
  • When we are upset, men think it is best to just leave us alone and give us some space because that is what THEY need when they are upset!

So, even if my husband notices that I am upset, and lets me tell him why, that doesn’t guarantee that he will comfort me. Most likely, he will try to fix it, tell me I’m being too emotional, or get upset back at me for being upset in the first place about something that I am upset about that he did.

Unless a man is secure in Christ, and does not take what you are feeling to mean something personally to him, he will most likely react negatively to your feelings. 

What Works

What works for me in this situation is to:

  • Pray first and foremost about any troubling situation that is making me feel upset and bring it to the Lord to receive grace to either let go of my own desires in the situation, or pray for the Lord to guide me in whatever is making me so upset
  • then, if my husband ASKS ME what’s wrong I will tell him, in the most non accusatory way possible  (Ex- I feel lonely/alone/sad)
  • if my husband reacts negatively, I let him be, and wait for him to apologize for reacting negatively to my hurt feelings
  • if my husband reacts kindly and listens to how I feel, I thank him for listening
  • I ask him for a hug or affection by saying, “Can I have a hug”? He never says no.
  • I may decide that I am being emotional/hormonal, and that that particular day is not the day for me to figure out my life and everything about it. It is better to wait, push the feelings aside, and enjoy the day, rather than wallow and end up in bitterness or resentment over something that may just be all caused by hormones and feelings.

It would be nice if all men were genuine comforters who loved to just hold us and stroke us like we do to our children when they are sad. But most likely, they will not do that. They like to fix it, and they will usually try to DO something to make you FEEL better. Which is actually really nice, but a lot of times we don’t realize they are doing things for us in an attempt to make us feel better, and it goes unnoticed, and then our husbands give up trying to make us feel better. If I just want him to listen or give me a hug, I just tell him. If he gets upset about it, I tell him that I am just telling him how I feel and that it’s not about him, it’s JUST my feelings.

Other Matters

If I am upset about something major, like my mom just died, or my kid got run over by a car or my best friend just died —– this is different. If our husbands can’t have any sympathy for us in a terrible situation like that —- then that is just sad on their part, and I don’t endorse that type of treatment.

At the same time, you can’t control him. So if he is totally heartless (like most unbelievers are) and just doesn’t care about you when you are sad — it is because he only cares about HIMSELF. In that case — the way is the same — take everything to the Lord where true comfort is found, because getting comfort from a man who is blinded by the prince of this world is never going to happen if you belong to Jesus Christ. Stop wasting your time seeking comfort from a man who doesn’t even know that he is dead in God’s sight!

Turn to the Lord of ALL and find your way in Him alone! He will NEVER leave you or forsake you! He has called you up and out, and if you are truly His, you know that this life is not about YOU and making YOU feel better — it is about living for the Lord and being transformed into the image of Jesus Christ for the Lord’s glory now and eternal!

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How To Draw Your Husband Out Of His Shut-down Mode

The Difference Between Showing Him Love & Showing Him Respect

 

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