Without excusing anger and yelling and going off in an emotional attack on our husbands, I want to look at why this happens, and what the real root is to it all. If you struggle with anger and yelling and “losing it”, then this post is for you! If you don’t struggle with this (God Bless Your Heart), but maybe your husband does, then it may still be profitable to see what lies underneath the whole thing!
In my experience, no woman just randomly starts yelling or screaming at their husband or gets angry for no reason. Generally there is something behind their episode, whether it be made up in their mind (assuming something untrue about their husband), or reality.
Some reasons women go off on an angry yelling tirade:
- feeling unloved
- feeling ignored
- feeling unwanted
- feeling like he doesn’t care about your needs in any given situation
- feeling unsafe
- not getting own way in a situation
- feeling like they are not in control of a given situation
- feeling powerless to have what they want/need from husband
- being sinned against
- feeling unheard
- feeling like their feelings don’t matter
- feeling insecure
- feeling scared
- pent up bitterness/resentment
- ungodly thoughts about their husband
- stewing over something negative and then exploding
- irritability, sleep-deprivation, malnutrition
When we are caught in this way, angrily yelling a bunch of emotional words at our husbands for any or all of the above reasons, it is common for a man to be totally disgusted with us and start saying things like:
- “You are crazy”
- “You have serious mental issues”
- “You have a hateful heart”
- “You are being so ugly”
- “You are treating me like crap”
- “Fix your attitude”
- “You have deep issues and need help”
Thankfully, there are some men that, although they still think you are acting crazy, will not react to your anger and will just leave you alone (the respectful thing to do from a man’s perspective), and not engage in your battle of angry words. He might just accept that you have emotions and that you will get over it eventually if he just leaves you alone.
On the other hand, some men do not have the patience for that response, and they will react physically to your anger because that is what men do when they sense any kind of attack or threat from another person. That is why men fight and women talk/yell.
When we start going off yelling in anger at them, they will most likely feel totally attacked and like we are trying to fight them! He will literally think this! And his response will most likely be him getting up in your face in an intimidating way to show that he is bigger and stronger and that you will not win the battle.
What Is Really Going On
Usually, when this behavior is resorted to, it is because we are feeling deeply hurt, insecure, or unloved. Even if we are screaming to our husbands, “YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ME!!!!”, he will totally not hear us at all, and all he will hear is that we are acting like a lunatic, and he will proceed to tell us all about it. He will also most likely feel provoked by our yelling and anger and will seek to win the battle that he perceives is happening!
Let’s open this up even more and get right down to the very bottom of the issue: PRIDE.
What is Pride?
It is the sin of the world! It is SELF, the “I” that came to life and took over, turning everything that God made into something to gratify the self with it’s “I”!
If you just look at all the reasons why we might go off in a fit of anger against our husband, have not they all to do with something we are not having or getting? Are not all those things about SELF?
“Fits of anger” is a work of the flesh (Gal 5). But how is a fit of anger rooted in self? in pride? Because of the self-interest in it.
So often our anger is our self-preservation, our reaction to some threat to our interests or our likes.
Think of this! If we actually were able to face a situation and NOT consider our own personal interest, would not a lot of those issues be resolved and let go?
I know this is A LOT harder than it sounds! When we are in the situation where our husband is not being kind, loving, or maybe they are purposefully provoking us to anger—– how hard it is to forget about ourselves! Our feelings are so real in those moments, and we find out once again that in us is no good thing!
Do you see the trap in this situation?! The enemy is out for one thing—to destroy the Testimony of Jesus. And the Testimony is that Christ has overcome death! And His life is in us, and we are to carry the Testimony of His life! And that manifests in every practical way in our life right now. It has a lot to do with our behavior and conduct—-and when we allow for any pride to rise up in us, the devil has his open way and the Testimony is arrested!
There is a lot more at stake than we recognize or think in these insignificant moments of our life! The enemy wants to get us riled up and get us provoked in order to get us to REACT FROM THE FLESH in anger! And when we do that, there is serious death. We are arrested, we fall under it all and it takes time to regain the spiritual position.
But if we only saw that the Blood of Jesus is the all-sufficient provision for EVERYTHING, and we stand on this fact, the devil is overcome in an instant.
And when we have yelled and thrown our fit of anger, the greatest need is to see that CHRIST is the answer, He is the provision, and the need. His life is in us by His Spirit if we are born again, and if His Spirit is in us, then we are able to let go of all that is of this self, because we have accepted our death union with Christ in His cross, and therefore we are no longer a slave to self! We are freed from self!
Marriage is a very special tool in God’s hand to show us how much of our self there really is in us. And He uses these situations when we do not get what we want to bring it all up to the top in us, so that we can see that we are utterly helpless, and unless the Lord fills us and takes complete control, there is no hope to move forward.
Where would we be if we didn’t have to face these situations in marriage where we don’t get what we want? We would be living in a false reality, thinking we are perfect and that there is no sin in us, that we are great and that we have no need for dependence on Christ to live through us.
Do you see how necessary these trials are?
But then once the trials come and we learn this lesson, we are emptied of this self more and more.
And as the Lord, in His faithfulness, conforms us to His image, we will more and more humble ourselves and not consider what our husband is doing in the light of how it effects us, and that in itself will be a MIRACLE FROM HEAVEN! When we can react to our husbands without personal interest involved! That will be Christ-likeness. That will be glory! Pride will be replaced with humility.
Let this shed light on all the things you might be feeling in your marriage right now. 🙂
Note- I’m not saying that we shouldn’t be treated right, or that no one deserves to be treated lovingly, etc. But let’s face it, our husbands are not Jesus and they are not perfect. Even if they were really godly men and didn’t sin towards us and met all of our needs all the time, it still wouldn’t be the all-sufficient sacrifice to free us from the self. We would STILL need Christ, and to be conformed to His image in the various trials of life. But since most husbands are NOT godly and don’t treat wives perfectly, God is using their faults as well as ours to create Christ in us both for His glory. His end will be reached either way! And that is why He is God, and we aren’t!