This is the second post (first post here) in a series of posts that I am writing about how the Lord has not only used my marriage to bring my own personal healing and growth in Christ, but how He actually led me to seeing what was at the root of all the conflict and struggles in my marriage and life!
I left off yesterday at the point where the Lord had opened my eyes to all of my own sin, and began to show me how much fear was behind all of my control issues and disrespect.
MY EYES WERE OPENED BEFORE ANY HEALING CAME
It wasn’t until things got the worst they could possibly get, before the Lord led me to find April’s site and He opened my eyes by the Holy Spirit to all of my control, fear, and disrespect. I realized for the first time that whenever things didn’t go as I thought they would or should, I would take over and put the responsibility of it happening onto my self.
The Lord began to show me that He allowed a small girl like me in the universe to go through uncontrollable disadvantages in life, and having learned the exact opposite of His way to life—He has called me out on HIS own, predestined me to adoption, and He is now working out in me the very opposite of what I once was!
- He allowed me to learn to distrust, that I may learn to ONLY trust Him
- He allowed me to learn to be of a fiercely independent spirit, that I may become totally 100% dependent on HIM
- He allowed me no strong father figure, no one who loved me like I wanted to be loved, that I may be loved and fathered ONLY BY HIM!
- He allowed me to learn disrespect and un-submissiveness, that I may become exactly the opposite of what I was!!
In my own human wisdom, I could have never seen WHY He could not have just allowed me to go right in life from day one—- Ah, but the spiritual eye sees that in having been opposite of what I should be, HE alone gets all the glory when I become what I was not in CHRIST!!!!! He will take the strongest willed human and turn them into the weakest, all for HIS GLORY!!!
He will allow all else to fail until I see that HE ALONE IS THE ANSWER!
He started showing me that He has NOT allowed one way or idol of my own to succeed—He has crushed everyone one of them:
- My desire for control
- My desire for my husband to love me and to be Christ to me
- My desire to teach my son from my own wisdom and ways
- My desire for a friend
- My desire to take my step kids in and see their mother punished
- My desire to save $
- My desire for health and no pain
- My desire to live where I wanted to live with my husband
- My desire to independently change my self to be loved and accepted
I started seeing that the Lord wanted my heart COMPLETELY! He wanted me to have only HIMSELF to satisfy my every longing!
He showed me that:
- He is jealous for me!
- He loves me the way I need Him to–unconditionally!
- He Provides for me through my husband!
- He protects me through my husband and His Sovereignty!
- He is my closest friend!
- He is IN CONTROL!
- He knows where and what is best for me!
- He alone has the power to draw a person to Himself!
- He is the only avenger!
- He is the owner of ALL things in earth and heaven!
- He gives or takes away!
- He alone can change and empower a person by His Spirit!
- HE IS THE ANSWER TO ALL!
It was like a veil was removed from my eyes and I saw the past year and all the trials that were out of the norm for me, and what they all meant—–
Here are some things that happened that I truly believed the Lord was using to not only squash me in the winepress but to draw me to HIMSELF a year ago and that whole year:
- My husband was sent away to work
- I had no friends whatsoever
- My appliances started breaking one by one (this seems to be a repeat in my life, and I failed the latest test this past summer. )
- I was unable to rescue my stepkids
- I caught my husband speaking very negatively about me, to another WOMAN!
- My husband and I truly hit bottom
- My son refused to do any school work and fell into video-game land
- I had a random foot issue that sent me to the hospital —I have never had my own sinful heart exposed as much as I did that night.
- I sliced my finger in two and had to get stitches
- My desires were not fulfilled ONE BIT
- My plans were destroyed
- Loneliness ensued
- Many a bump and a bruise
- Allergy problems
- Early morning coldness
- Unwanted animals (skunk) living under my back deck
- My mailbox was torn off by the plow truck
- My garbage pales were overturned in the street
- Money was wasted on vanity
- Unwanted face issues
- Corrupted city water coming through my sink
- Busted finger nails
(**I hope you got a laugh out of atleast some of these things that at the time I thought were the end of my life! I’m still laughing. lol.)
When the Lord showed me these things, I saw so clearly that in all of them, my heart turned from the Lord and against Him, and I hated His rebukes and chastening! And I finally saw that the mother of all rebukes and discipline had been in sensing His distance in my heart! It led me to the point where all else didn’t matter anymore unless I had His presence! I saw the folly in despising the chastening of the Lord!
For the blessing is knowing that He chastises His TRUE CHILDREN!
Each day during this time, the Lord opened my eyes more and more to my own sin and there was one point where I truly saw what was in my heart by the Holy Spirit:
- Mountains of pride and selfishness
- Idols of wanting to be in control, thinking I knew best, my husband, a godly marriage, his job, friends, being happy, feeling loved, feeling in love, my husband’s visual & inner purity, homeschooling, staying home, having a clean house, living in the town I wanted to live in, etc.
- Hatred and feeling justified in holding grudges because I felt so wounded
- Discord and having created havoc in my own life, home and relationships because I was focused on what I wanted, thought and felt
- I was impatient, disrespectful, and argumentative
- I had jealousy of my husband giving any of his attention whatsoever to his ex-wife, or his phone, the tv, and the computer, his friends/family that he gave time to talk to
- Fits of anger where I threw stuff at my husband, stomped my feet, yelled, demanded his attention and what to do and felt totally justified because I felt rejected, hurt, unloved, ignored and abandoned
- Dissensions where I talked a lot to make myself look better than my husband and tried to prove how justified I was by being angry at him
- Envy of his ex-wife b/c she has kids with my husband and I don’t. I envied anyone who he dated in the past who had his heart because I felt that I clearly didn’t have it like they did
After seeing all of this, I repented and asked the Lord to show me what I was holding onto in my life.
And He said, “FEAR”!
GETTING TO THE ROOTS
I suddenly realized that I had been AFRAID:
- that if I didn’t make my husband do what I believed he should do, then we wouldn’t be godly
- then my son wouldn’t be godly
- we wouldn’t have a godly marriage
- we wouldn’t save money and get out of any debt
- we wouldn’t be accepted in God’s eyes
- To put my son in public school because I was scared he would learn the ways of the world and grow up to be a vile sinner just like ME!
- I was scared to leave him with anyone but myself because someone might abuse him or kidnap him
- I was scared that if all my son did was play video games and watch movies then he’ll never learn to read and I would go to jail for not teaching him (I was homeschooling at the time and didn’t realize my son needed special services! I wrongly blamed myself for all his trouble!)
- I was scared that if my husband didn’t give me attention and talked to other people then he must not love me or want to be with me
- I was scared he still loved his ex-wife because he sometimes treated her better on the phone than he did to me in our house
- I was scared he’d never want to have our own kids
- I was scared that he’d never be intimate or close with me
- I was scared he’d make a bad financial decision
- Scared he would quit his job again and that we wouldn’t be able to pay off our debt
- I was scared of him buying too many new appliances that we needed to replace
- I was scared that if I didn’t act or be the woman God wanted, then I would never fully be His Child
- I was scared to make new friends because I didn’t want people to really know me or my business
- I was scared to eat processed food
- I was scared to get wrinkly and old looking
Then I realized that I never realized just how scared and worried I really was in life!
The Spirit of God was working mightily in my heart to expose sin and fear and unbelief. And when my eyes were truly opened—– the Lord granted me true repentance! PRAISE GOD! It was ALL HIM!!!!
I saw that my motives were not pure at all for anything I was doing at the time. It was all driven by fear and control! And what the Lord showed me was that in all of it, there was NOT CHRIST at all. It was all ME.
I started praying for the Lord to truly create in me a pure heart and to help me let go of fear and control. I knew at this point that what I wanted was to no longer live a life motivated by fear and control, but rather by Christ and pleasing Him alone! This day was only the first of a still ever on-going process of giving up control as I seek the Lord and to die to myself!!!!
Tomorrow, I will continue sharing the process that the Lord brought me through and how He is using my marriage to bring healing and growth! 🙂