This post is the first of a series of posts I will be doing from an email correspondence I had with a wife recently that I feel might bless others 🙂 Our conversation started when this wife asked me about how to deal with a husband who doesn’t comfort you in sadness.
Thank you to this wife for allowing me to share what the Lord has been doing in her heart!
I asked her:“When are the times your husband does not comfort you? Is it ALWAYS? or just certain times?”
Here is her response to my questions above:
My husband and I have always been up and down. Right now, we are kinda down. Not the lowest that we have been, but things have been tense lately.
- We are two very busy people.
- We both work full time and take classes.
- He is in the military and I am a teacher.
- He usually works more hours and his job can be more demanding than mine at times, however I have my days.
- I’m also getting my Master’s degree in Special Education.
- We have a toddler as well.
- We don’t handle stress very well.
- He likes to retreat and shut down when he’s stressed. When he does this, he never helps out around the house.
- Even when he isn’t stressed, I still do way more of the household and childcare duties.
- He can also be very messy. This makes me resentful, and for the last few months, very naggy.
- I hate being naggy, but sometimes I don’t know what else to do.
- I’m getting very overwhelmed with the responsibility.
- The last few nights I have been very disrespectful, yelling and nagging at him.
- When this happens, he retreats even more and won’t help in the slightest bit.
- He is also very passive aggressive during these times.
- He’ll say something is fine and it obviously won’t be.
- When I cry, he will not comfort me if I’m crying about him.
- When things are going good with us in general, sometimes he will apologize.
- However, not recently, probably due to my nagging and yelling.
Here is my response to her answer about what was going on in her marriage:
I can understand how stressful it is to be working and raising a child and doing all the house hold things. I was a single mother for 5 years and I worked full time in a very demanding job. I lost a lot of time with my son and I regret that now. I haven’t worked since I have been married, and a lot of times when the idea comes up for me to work, my husband always changes his mind because he doesn’t want to add any more stress. Being home is a job in and of itself!
Most men don’t think it is their “job” to take care of the house and children….and they are right 🙂
I know that might not be what you want to hear, but it is true. At the same time, if your husband is expecting you to do EVERYTHING, and work, I think it would be reasonable to confront him about your stress and ask him if there is anything you can take off of your plate to free you up to take care of the more important things (whatever that might be whether it is focusing on work, school, or home/kid).
April from Peacefulwife.com talks about respectfully talking to him about your stress level and telling him how you feel about it all being on your shoulders, rather than becoming resentful. I know that is definitely hard.
We women were not meant to carry the load of EVERYTHING. It really runs us down. That is not good and it will be a lot harder to be respectful. The tension between husband and wife in that situation I can imagine is really bitter.
My next question to her was:
Does confronting him respectfully and talking about all the things on your plate and asking him about what you might be able to take off the plate in order to reduce stress, sound like something you might want to try? 🙂
Tomorrow, I will post the continuation of this email and her response 🙂