This is the second post in a series of posts I will be doing from an email correspondence I had with a wife recently that I feel might bless others 🙂
Our conversation started when this wife asked me about how to deal with a husband who doesn’t comfort you in sadness.
Thank you to this wife for allowing me to share what the Lord has been doing in her heart!
In the last post, we ended with the question:
“Does confronting him respectfully and talking about all the things on your plate and asking him about what you might be able to take off the plate in order to reduce stress, sound like something you might want to try?”
Here is her response:
- I think I need to work on myself first.
- I think I need to learn better ways to cope with my stresses.
- I probably need to stop doing things that make me resentful.
- Either that or have a more positive attitude if I’m going to do something.
- For example, It makes me resentful to make him lunch, because often he forgets it.
- Also, making dinner every night.
- He rarely says thank you and he never offers to help with the dishes.
- I’m afraid to ask him for help, because he’ll either say no or be passive aggressive about it.
- So maybe I need to either stop doing those things or change my attitude about it.
- I’m sick of making myself a martyr.
- Maybe if things were better between us, he would help out more.
- I just have to do something, because I’m so overwhelmed with all my responsibilities.
- I hate being naggy and resentful and miserable all the time.
- I know that it is pushing him away more.
- I just don’t know how to motivate him in a way that makes him want to help. Asking does not do the trick.
You know, I had the day to think about things. I am not really sure how much of my thinking is real or not.
For example, we went out to dinner tonight. The entire time he took care of our daughter, feeding her and comforting her. When we got home, he cleaned up the garbage that our dog got into.
Other people have even commented on how much more he does for me than their husbands do for them, even his mom!
He hardly ever asks me to do anything. It just seems like I just take over.
The problem is that voice telling me, “Why do I have to clean and cook and do the dishes? Why doesn’t he ever go grocery shopping….?”
I think that’s Satan talking and how I grew up. I grew up in a very loving, but ungodly home. In fact, my parents were very vocal about not believing in God. The area I grew up in was very vocal about everyone being equal, especially men and women. The fact that women and men are different is still a very new concept to me.
“I’ve been so disrespectful lately and I know that’s the primary reason my husband doesn’t do as much as he probably would.”
He’s resentful too. I don’t know why I’m so disrespectful. I guess I’m hurt because I think he doesn’t care and that he’s selfish.
Tonight, I had to ask him for the umpteenth time to return a fishing pole to my coworker. I told him that he is asking for it back and it’s awkward at work. I basically told him off, calling him selfish and uncaring. There’s something telling me that he’s not returning it because he doesn’t care about me enough. I tell myself that if it had to do with something important to him, he would care.
Afterwards, I felt really crummy. I want to apologize but I know he wants his space. Every night this week I’ve been miserable to him and then apologized. To be honest, I am very hormonal right now. But if I told him that, he wouldn’t want to hear it.
Every time I do better with respect and submitting, I fall back into old patterns. Old fears and insecurities and that ole voice comes back. I don’t know why I let it take over when I know how good things can be and are when I’m respectful.
I feel like I’m back at square one again and it’s now going to take him even longer to trust me again.
My Response to her:
Wow, I can relate to everything you said! I go through phases too where things are ok for a while…then something happens, and I start hearing that voice( have you read April’s post called: “My Demon” ?). And then I go on a streak where every night I am the one getting upset and apologizing, etc.
That voice IS the devil for sure, and I honestly think that you are just stressed from all the things you have to do. It is hard when we feel alone in that, trust me I know!!!
And then when we are on that streak our husbands seem more unloving, and it only feeds the whole thing.
I think you are already hearing from God yourself about what you need to do 🙂 Focusing on the right things will definitely help!! Having our minds renewed is always a sure way on the right track!
Are you spending time with God? That is a major major major thing that I can’t live without. If I miss that time, I will most likely stumble!
What I usually do after the Lord opens and renews my mind again about how I have been thinking/acting wrongly, I just stop doing those things and I choose to be thankful and I seek the Lord and rely on Him for the strength to get through each day, and usually it creates a better atmosphere immediately in my home!
But either way, it sounds to me like God is truly leading you in this! We all stumble sometimes, but those are the times that the Lord renews our minds and leads us on to grow in His grace! 🙂
A Note From Satisfied Wife:
This wife is clearly sensitive to the Holy Spirit as He is working in her heart to see where she may be wrong, and what she needs to do in order to get back on track and refocus on what God is calling her to do as a wife. The Lord is faithful to work in our hearts when we belong to Him to show us what we need to do, and where we are wrong. Even when we are hurt and feeling like we deserve to be treated so much better, the Lord gently shows us that it is no longer about what *we* want, but rather, what the Lord wants us to do in our lives/homes/marriages for HIS GLORY.
It is in these times when we are feeling like things just aren’t working out that the Lord calls us to Himself and starts opening our eyes to see Him like we never have before, and His Spirit and Cross works out in us, and leads us to lay down all of our own desires, our own rights!, our own personal interests for the way we want life to be, and He shows us that in us really is no good thing apart from Christ—– and then His grace and mercy is revealed to our hearts and we go away rejoicing, having seen the RISEN LORD!
Tomorrow, we will continue with the email correspondence to see where the Lord has led this precious wife! Stay tuned! 🙂