“Is It Me? Or Is It Him?”
Sometimes it is necessary to take a step back and evaluate in a godly way what is really going on in my marriage. If I am taking the blame for ALL the problems in marriage, then I need to step back and see what is true and if maybe I am taking responsibility for things that are not mine to take!
In my experience, and from talking to a lot of other women who have experienced being in a toxic relationship where there may be some underlying manipulation/control going on—– Blame-shifting is a common feature found in everyone’s story/experiences.
Whose Fault IS it?
If we try to go off of our own perceptions in life, we will most likely be found to have made some errors. However, if we look to God and His Word—we will not find error, and we can trust His Word to speak truth to us in any situation.
Here are some things that the Bible says about ALL people:
- There is NO ONE righteous, not even one (Romans 3:10)
- All of us like sheep have gone astray, Each of us has turned to his own way; But the LORD has caused the iniquity of us all To fall on Him. (Is. 53:6)
- For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23)
The place to start when trying to figure out what or who might be the one with the issue in the marriage is the fact that no one is righteous—apart from CHRIST.
The Bible also says some things about judging others:
- “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. (Romans 7:1-5)
- Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor? (James 4:11-12)
- Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. We know that the judgment of God rightly falls on those who practice such things. Do you suppose, O man—you who judge those who practice such things and yet do them yourself—that you will escape the judgment of God? (Romans 2:1-3)
- For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? God judges those outside. “Purge the evil person from among you.” (1 Cor. 5:12-13)
When I have allowed God to search my heart and expose any sin in my own heart and life and I repent of those sins and I make sure my heart and life is right and aligned with God’s will, then I am in a position to evaluate in a godly way what might be going on in terms of my husband. But unless I get my own heart and life straight first, I will NOT be able to clearly see what is going on in my marriage—whether I have an issue, or if I am around toxic behavior/words from another person.
When you are in the middle of a marriage relationship where you are trying all you can to change, and seek God, and get your side right—- and you may even see progress over time—– you are nonetheless still in a relationship that might be toxic, and it is much much harder to figure out what is going on here.
Because most likely, you are being blamed for ALL the issues in the marriage—no matter WHAT you do.
STEP BACK AND SEE WHAT YOU ARE BEING BLAMED FOR
Me personally, when I found myself spinning in circles trying to figure out what is wrong with me all the time—– and trying to uncover some hidden sin that was causing me to feel like a total failure in my marriage—- Most times, the Lord led me gently back to the truth about what was really going on in my marriage, and He showed me that I was taking blame for things that were NOT my problem.
If my husband is blaming me for:
- His bad moods
- His irresponsible choices (for work, quitting jobs, etc.)
- His unhealthy sleeping patterns/eating patterns
- Him not taking ANY time for himself to seek God/rest
- His harsh, critical, or condemning words towards me
- His discontentment in life
- His inability to trust me (when there is absolutely NO reason for him not to)
- His insecurities
- His fear
- His inability to lead our family
- His withdrawing from me
Then, in my experience, God has had to show me that I am only responsible for MY own:
- Emotional/spiritual well-being
- Words/how I treat others
When once the Lord led me back to this truth that I am not responsible for my husband’s life, choices, attitudes, behaviors, etc.—-I was able to let go of all the weight of carrying blame for things that did not belong to me! I still had some things that WERE my issue—and when the Lord shows me my own sin—I repent immediately. No one is perfect.
So the key for me was to first realize that it is not just either me or my husband—-there is most likely sin on my side, and sin on his that is causing the trouble going on.
But then, when once the Lord opens my eyes to my OWN sin—and I REPENT—— that is when I am able to see clearly if I am being blamed for things that do not belong to me.
And when I am allowing God to reveal the truth to me, I am able to discern when my husband is blaming me. And at this point, my evaluation of that is what leads me to find freedom in Christ, and I am able to step back and focus on my own life, and God, and not allow the blame darts to hit any part of me any longer, because once I know the truth, the truth sets me free.
Evaluating my husband/marriage in a godly way has to do with looking at my own life—repenting of any sin—-and then being able to see clearly what I am being blamed for—- and when I can see that it is NOT my responsibility to:
- Make my husband happy
- Fix his irresponsible choices
- Mother him
- Give him security in life/marriage
Then I am free to step back and pray, and allow God to work in my husband’s life and heart, while not subjecting myself to the blame any longer!