If this is how you feel about your marriage, my heart goes out to you! I’ve been there. In fact, the title of this post is from a sentence in my journal 2 years ago! (**Though I’m sharing a personal story, please don’t focus on me or my story, but rather, on the Lord and what HE has done!)
If I had to give a one sentence description of our marriage now, I would say:
“It is like two people living in a small house who love each other and are increasing in the measure of Christ together.”
How did such a drastic change occur?
TO GOD ALONE BE THE GLORY!
Despite the long time of continual failure in the Christian life, the Lord led me by the hand and made the way for me to truly come to the point where I gave up and had no hope unless He truly revealed Himself. He is faithful, and He was faithful in this. 🙂
The changes started truly once the Lord opened my eyes to that Cross of His. I realized that my marriage is not something for myself, or for my own personal gain or benefit. My husband was not my property, he was not my slave, and he was not the answer to my heart need! His love was always there, I just didn’t see it. He was taking care of our family and trying to be humble and selfless, but pushed to the limit, he gave it up. He stopped trying.
Until the Lord truly emptied me of everything and every other hope, it wasn’t until then that He had me in the right position to open my eyes by the Spirit to see that my husband is a man and he is human just like me and he comes from his own past and he has his own issues, and no matter what he does, I can’t control him! I can either accept him as he is, or I can continue to try to fight for my way and make things how I want them to be, which will never work or happen!
Granted, we are both born again, so the basis of our unity is a right basis, and our marriage is on a right foundation and ground (of Christ), which is the only ground that the Lord can bring true peace and harmony in.
Because we had this foundation, there was hope, and once the Lord opened my eyes to the fact that in Christ, we are dead to all that is personal for our life, I forever realized that my marriage is not for me at all.
It is for the Lord, or it is vain and pointless!
Once I saw my marriage was not for me or about me, my husband was freed from the burden that I constantly flung at him! He was free to be himself again. Because we had only been married a short time, there was room for a quick recovery and by the grace of God, things began to move in that direction immediately once I stopped thinking the marriage was about me and this life and for personal gain and benefit!
I didn’t come across any of this by my self or by my own studying or anything. Every realization I had was given by the Holy Spirit in my heart as he illuminated the truth of the Cross in my heart! Everything was put into proper perspective once He revealed Himself in that way to my heart! It was by His grace alone! I did nothing.
When I asked my husband when it was that he started to notice a true change in me, he said:
“When you stopped tripping.”
What he meant was that, as soon as I stopped freaking out on him for:
- being a guy
- for being introverted
- for being quiet and to himself
- for taking time to pursue his own interests in life
- for not giving me all his undivided attention every single second of the day
- for not doing what I wanted him to do in every little situation
- for not bowing down to my every demand……….
……………things got better!
After some time, he saw the Lord working in my heart and he began to relax and draw closer to me.
- We stopped fighting over everything.
- We were able to be around each other and not ignore each other.
- We stopped being bitter and resentful towards each other.
- We stopped being negative and discontented.
- We gradually began to talk more and open up about what was really the problems here.
- We began to be thankful for everything we did for each other.
Our home life turned into a peaceful place for all of us!
And it was not because of me or anything I did or changed. I did not do this. GOD DID THIS.
- HE opened my eyes.
- HE provided the Holy Spirit and grace to work in my heart and effect true heart change!
- HE renewed my mind!
In one moment, I was a struggling wife who didn’t understand what I had to do in order to make my marriage ok and better, and in the next moment, all that went away and the answer was found in the Cross of Jesus Christ!
Changing, Not Perfect
Is our marriage and home life perfect and totally an on going rainbow and sunshine?
But, it is changing continually for the better for everyone. There is hope here. There is peace. If my husband is all out of sorts, there is peace found here. If I am out of sorts for some reason, he is there with a soft word to put me back on track. Even if it isn’t so soft a word, it still puts me back on track and everything is all cleared up immediately!
The point is that, at one time, only 2 year ago, my marriage looked absolutely HOPELESS.
“It was like two people in a small house who couldn’t stand to be around each other!”
What frustration is felt when all we want is for our marriage to be ok, and there is nothing we can perceivably do to get to that point! It is utter frustration and I feel your pain if you are in that right now!
The hardest part was letting go of all I wanted in this marriage!
Once that was truly let go—-the possibilities opened up for restoration and true change sister!
What is the tragedy of so many marriages? If we all are honest, and take a look behind the situation, and ask why the marriage even happened in the first place—what is the answer to that?
- Did the marriage happen on emotion?
- For our self?
- For our own pleasure and benefit?
- For any other reason other than for spiritual relatedness and for the Lord’s interests?
The tragedy of so many marriages is that the marriage happened for the wrong reason to begin with, therefore the outworking of the marriage is not pleasant or at all measuring up to our self-interests. This goes for wives and husbands. Husbands are just as guilty in getting married.
- What was the true intention of the marriage?
- Even christian marriage?
- Was it really FOR THE LORD?
- Or were there selfish interests in the marriage?
- Did we want to be married for our own reasons?
If that is so, then the beginning of any transformation is going to be going back to that wrong foundation and making it right!
There must be a right foundation for anything to change!
Even if your husband never sees this too, you can have the right foundation for your marriage whether he has the right one or not. The Lord will fulfill HIS PURPOSES whether your husband is aware of it or not.
All that matters is that YOU recognize this, and seek the Lord for it to be made a reality where you are concerned, for a true heart change, for His purposes to be the sole reason for this marriage!
I know how hard this is to swallow! We can’t possibly imagine giving up OUR desires for our marriages! We don’t even understand why that is necessary, UNLESS we have had our eyes opened to see who God really is in the face of Jesus Christ, and what the Lord’s TRUE ETERNAL PURPOSE IS! You won’t be delivered from the continual frustration of a marriage that is not satisfying unless you have the proper perspective on the entire universe and why the Lord created it in the first place!
Wherever Christ is given His place, the Holy Spirit is free to come in there and get to work! That is how it goes!
I am not exaggerating here—-if the Lord can turn this ship around that fast, He can do ANYTHING.
There was literally no hope here for us. It was all dried up! Nothing left in that barrel.
And then He came in with that Cross and changed EVERYTHING!
I pray you might see the hope that is available in Christ, when we turn to Him in utter desperation and allow Him to become our answer to it all! 🙂
There is nothing worth more than knowing Him and the power of His resurrection Life!