Have you ever known something in your mind, yet you did not fully understand it? For me, knowledge comes to life when the Holy Spirit opens my eyes to experience it. This is how I would describe the day my eyes were opened!
THE EVENTS LEADING UP TO MY SIGHT
Well, really, my whole life has been leading up to this eye opening event. Ever since I was a baby, according to my dear Mother, I have been characterized as “unsatisfied”. I was attached to her hip (never slept, wouldn’t let anyone else hold me, breastfed until I was 3, etc) until my little sister was born. I continued on in my journey of seeking satisfaction in what could never satisfy since that young age of 3! When I was little, it was a toy that I HAD to have to be satisfied-when I was a bit older, it was a boy- next it was a job, or a husband, or a child, and a lot of other unlovely things in between.
If you’re like me, you might understand me when I say that I truly believed the day I said “I do” my heart would finally, forever, and always be content and satisfied. Was I wrong.
By this time in my life, I had placed my ENTIRE happiness, heart, contentment, purpose, & satisfaction in getting married and wearing a wedding ring.
Not only did my husband fail to satisfy me, everything that happened since then drove me further and further into the self-protective mode of a control freak that I had been comfortably walking in for as long as I’ve lived, and launched me out into a sea of my own self-pity and self-inflicted misery!
The list of things I thought I needed to be satisfied was endless and included things like:
- My husband’s constant attention/affection
- My husband to talk to me all the time
- My husband to be the sole provider
- My husband to never spend any of his free time doing ANYTHING except hang out with me
- My husband to buy me gifts on every holiday
- My husband to remember our anniversary/my birthday
- My husband to bring me on EVERY visit to see his family that lives a long way away
- My husband to compliment me all the time
- My husband to go to bed at the same time as me
- My husband to want to do things with us as a family
- My husband to do what I wanted all the time
- My husband to want to have a baby with me
****(This is only a basic list of the ways I sought satisfaction in my husband; the other ways in which I tried to attain satisfaction were endless and included things like my child’s behavior, my looks, living in a certain house/town, etc.)
After just 2 years of trying to find my heart satisfaction in things like these, my marriage was at the bottom of the rope! After an unpleasant string of events, my husband ended up half a country away, and I was left to deal with my self-inflicted misery.
THE TURNING POINT
At this point, I sought out a counselor, and began digging deeper into my heart with her. She recommended I read a book, which is what God used to open my eyes to this truth—that nothing else will satisfy our hearts except Him! As I read this book, the words on the pages kept popping out, and it was as if there was a real lightbulb going off in my mind. I was left speechless. (For a more detailed story, check out This post on the Peacefulwife.com)
The thing is, I already “knew” this! But I had never truly experienced it!It came to life in my mind and in my soul when for the first time in my life, I realized that I had to stop expecting anything from my husband, from my child, from the weather, from the world—- and turn my whole entire heart onto Jesus, and seek Him alone to satisfy my heart!!!
After this lightbulb moment, the opportunities were continually coming up in my life to show me how to apply this revelation I was given from the Lord! In the following weeks, one of the major “tests” that came was when my husband was called to work in another state again (He travels for work a lot of times and has to stay in different states). Instead of thinking and feeling that my life was now going to fall apart because my husband might have to move away again, I remembered what the Lord had been teaching me, and I asked myself:
“Are you trusting in your husband continuing to stay here and work here to satisfy you?
OR are you trusting in Jesus alone to satisfy your heart?”
The Lord was showing me that heart satisfaction is bound up with what I am trusting in to satisfy me!
I have to keep asking myself over and over through out each day:
“Am I trusting in X to satisfy me? Or Jesus?”