The Key To Intimacy In Marriage: Accepting Your Man, As Is

The Key To Intimacy In Marriage: Accepting Your Man, As Is





Expectations truly are premeditated resentment. And they rob us of having intimate marriages with our men.

Expectations & Idols In Marriage

When we have idols in our hearts —-things that we want MORE than we want to know and have Christ—- we usually have a number of expectations from our men and for marriage.

We may be idolizing:

  • feeling loved
  • feeling wanted
  • affection
  • attention
  • control
  • romance
  • being persued
  • emotional intimacy
  • sex
  • having a godly marriage

When we idolize these things, we most likely have expectations from our men in order that they might give us our idol.

Here are some examples:

Idol: Feeling Loved

Expectations from husband to give me idol:

  • talking to me for hours
  • texting me all day
  • buying me flowers/gifts
  • helping me with whatever I need help with


Idol: Feeling Wanted

Expectations from husband to give me idol:

  • giving me compliments
  • telling me he loves me all the time
  • telling me I am beautiful
  • choosing me over friends/family/phone/computer/internet


Idol: Affection

Expectations from husband to give me idol:

  • cuddling whenever possible
  • kissing and hugging for no reason
  • stroking/caressing my back or hair


Idol: Attention

Expectations from husband to give me idol:

  • spending all his free time with ME
  • never using phone/computer/video games, etc. when I am with him
  • talking to me all the time
  • for him to be interested in my life and want to talk about it a lot
  • to care about me more than anything else


Idol: Godly Marriage

Expectations from husband to give me idol:

  • for him to pray/read the Bible a lot with me and alone
  • for him to talk about spiritual things with me
  • for him to NEVER sin against me
  • for him to ALWAYS forgive me
  • for him to have unlimited grace towards me
  • for him to show me love ALWAYS without question!

All of these things are great—but if they are all we are focused on and all we want in marriage—-we are going to be very miserable! If our husbands are not meeting our expectations, and our idols are out of reach—–we will most likely be very angry and irritated with our men.

There is a better way of going about marriage—– and it starts with accepting that our men are imperfect!



If we are honest, we probably can admit to knowing that our men are imperfect—-but do we really believe it? If we believed it, why do we get so upset when they prove they are not perfect?

Is it possible that we as wives may be over looking some very important things that will help us understand our men better, leading us to have more compassion, instead of resentment?

There are a lot of things from your husbands past that may or may not be effecting your marriage at this moment. If you find that some are true to your husband, let’s see how that might shed some new light on the way we go about our marriage.

Past issues to consider:

  • porn addiction
  • sexual sin
  • divorce
  • children from previous marriage/partner
  • criminal record
  • drug/alcohol addiction
  • gambling addiction
  • irresponsibility with money
  • job issues (with keeping them or finding them)
  • debt
  • ungodly friends
  • doesn’t go to church/read Bible or know Bible
  • no strong father figure
  • demeaning towards women
  • treats strangers with unkindness (at stores, restaurants)
  • impulsive
  • introverted
  • anti-social
  • mental health issues
  • deep scars from being rejected/cheated on by women in the past
  • comes from divorced family
  • was abused physically/mentally/sexually
  • uncontrollable temper
  • holds grudges/unforgiveness
  • has a fixed view that all women are the same and that they all cheat, etc.
  • speaks badly of his ex-girlfriends/ex-wives
  • does not take any blame for anything
  • holds a view that women are here to serve–period.
  • didn’t value women’s feelings,opinions, etc.
  • negative mindset
  • low self-worth
  • controlling

If your husband has any of these things in his past—-or any character traits that were true of him BEFORE marriage—– then there is something we need to consider at this moment if we find that our intimacy in marriage is suffering from issues that may stem from any of these things.

For example, if your husband was married before you, and had children before marrying you, and you find that in the present time, you have become extremely jealous of his ex-wife and that is causing issues between you and your husband—– then let’s slow down a minute here.I’m assuming you knew that he was married before you and had children—- so when you married him, you were aware of it, and accepted it.

Why now, then, are you getting jealous and upset about this? (I’m speaking to myself, if no one else 🙂 )



This is something that can truly set you free in your marriage to have much more intimacy with your husband, if you are willing to lay down your own personal interests for the marriage (idols & expectations), and accept your husband as he is!

Now if we can become aware to the fact that our husband is NOT perfect, and that he has a number of past issues that we  knowingly married him with, we can become truly understanding to the fact that our husband is NOT going to be what we dreamed of! He is not going to be a slave to our idols and expectations. In fact, you can guarantee that if you truly belong to Christ, He will make sure that you NEVER attain your precious idols. The Lord desires our WHOLE heart to be HIS—and He will frustrate our idols until we come back to Him in repentance!

If our husbands are also in Christ, and even if they have  some past issues, God is able to change them and to deliver them, if they are willing. In the mean time,we  can be compassionate and thankful for what we do have.

Believe me when I say, it is amazing how much things get better when you STOP trying to MAKE him do things that he doesn’t know how to do or doesn’t want to do. When you just accept him as he is—- and let him be himself—– you might be surprised how much he responds to that! 

If you have a lot of built up anger/resentment towards your husband—-that will need to be dealt with first— you have to truly love your husband and forgive him for his faults and failures and sin toward you in order to be able to truly accept him as he is, and have true compassion in your heart for him, which will be the key to a more intimate marriage relationship!

If you have felt in your heart that your husband is undeserving of your forgiveness and grace—- I say it’s time to look in the mirror and see how the Lord has had to pay for the entire world with His Blood in order to save whom He chooses—– We are ALL in need of His grace—- and until we see that we are no better than our husband in and of ourselves—- we will not be able to move forward in compassion and acceptance of our husbands as they are.

If you are currently married to an unbeliever—– I believe this word is for you more than anyone—because if you understood he was an unbeliever BEFORE you married—- then accepting him as is, is your only choice. Accepting him, and living out your faith in front of him are what the Lord may use to draw him to Himself!

If you were both unbelievers when you were married, and now you are a believer—– then the word for you is the same as well—- and if anything, he will be able to see how much the Lord has worked in your life and heart to deliver you from the way of the world that you both lived in together before the Lord saved you!


*** If your husband is truly cheating on you, or if he is currently dabbling in a number of things from his past, I encourage you to seek help for those issues. I am talking about if our husbands have had issues with those things I mentioned in the PAST, let us be compassionate about that and see that our husband has not been brought up squeaky clean, and the Lord will have to heal him in certain things, if he is willing. If he has been delivered from things, but may stumble here and there—that is different—-that is proof that the Lord has truly worked in his heart and life to heal and deliver him—and that he is on his way to total freedom from those issues! Praise God!



Ways To Accept Him As He Is

The Power Of Not Assuming Things!

How To Draw Your Husband Out Of His Shut-down Mode

The Difference Between Showing Him Love & Showing Him Respect

Becoming The Wife He Needs!

When You Feel Like Everything You Do Is Unnoticed

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